To each of our own

Just when I thought the days of decision is (temporarily) over, the options fought back and confront me for one final time.

I have to decide one more time, at least in my 23 which has 3 months left of its existence.

This time the options are stronger, more demanding, more pushing.

But this time, I feel more convinced and stronger in reason that I clearly know what to choose. It’s a help sent from above as well, I can feel it.


It’s always the little things that count the most

It’s only natural that people take for granted things that they have for so long. That iPhone 5S which we used to brag for its fingerprint lock feature back in 2013-ish? Now it’s nothing but a display of history, or a secondary phone for your music and miscellaneous storage. That person who has been with you for your whole life (Read: parents)? Sometimes you de-prioritize them because cooler kids are in the town, waiting for you to hang out. That friend you had spilled your secrets to? Meh, another one bites the dust.

At least temporary. Until you lost them.

Until the memories started to rise up like a hot air balloon; slow but sure, and hangs around for quite some time. Until it hits you that you had had a choice to treat them better, and another what-could-have-been scenarios that only lives in your head and for yours only to enjoy.

Taking for granted is easy. Being taken for granted is not.

In the case of taking for granted, you just have to ignore all the sensitivity nerves you have. Ignore all the little signs like their desperate captions, their feeble and inaccurate description of their feelings, and shut down immediately any people trying to contact you, asking for advice or a simple listening. Just be the bad cop, ignore all of those signs.

In the case of being taken for granted, however, is a whole different game. One has that aching, invisible pain that trained eyes and heart could only see. Eyes that have been lubricated with a drop of sensitivity, also a heart that wants to understand people’s psyche. The taken for granted recently reached a place where they are seen by the spotlight, because people starts to take serious of mental health.

Me myself has been in both position. In my case, I realized being the taken for granted hurts after I experienced loss of a person I took for granted. It aches quite bad to see someone who was a part of my childhood gone within the nick of a time, caused by a simple problem: I took that person for granted.

And being the latter position hurts as well, three times greater than the former. Especially when the person doing that to you is considered a vital figure in your life. You don’t want to make a fuss because you understand that person. You understand that they won’t like it when they are bothered. That’s an assumption, alright, but that assumption has a strong position and could control your feeling.

“Just tell me when there’s something wrong. You don’t need to hide it.”

Easier said than done. It takes a good heap of courage and numerous consideration before the decision arrive. And every variable considered in that decision could shake the entire decision. Yes, it is encouraged to spill everything if you could. But not every person could do so. Everyone has this internal mechanism where they filter what they want to say based on their past traumas and tragedies, so it’s not always okay to wait people to spill their milk to you.

“Are you okay?”

Is a single word worth a thousand Thanos. It’s a word that when said, only lasts a fingersnap, but could change the entire mood if said in the right timing.

I know a person who bottled up his feelings for so long, keeping himself reserved for who-knows-how-long, and displays the poker face. Once he was asked “are you okay?” and his defense crumbled, he told everything to that person. That’s how powerful the word is.

So, I guess, that’s what I’d like to spill tonight. It’s a random thought, though. A thought came from reflection and several episodes of drama.

The thing with excessive political talks

It’s 2018 and political season has started. We are a year away from one of the biggest political events in the history of Indonesia: presidential election. At the moment, other cities are holding gubernatorial elections. So it’s like a warm-up before the actual event.

One inevitable symptom of political elections in Indonesia is the rise of political commentary in every social media. You can find it anywhere in newsportals, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, even YouTube. You just can’t run from these comments.

Dread it, run from it, politics still arrive” – Thanos (Paraphrased)

The existence of those comments in literally every social media exists, created some sort of battleground for opinions. Everyone can access social media whenever they want. No matter what your background, education, culture, or your personal view is, you can access and comment anything that exists in social media, and generally, the internet. It’s no longer uncommon to see a debate between a PhD and a piehead, and within a minute, the debate will turn from 1 vs 1 to 100 vs 100. And these debates rarely finished in a civil manner, the best way it could end is by trading insult, or just leave it be. We’ve seen this kind of debates in just about any topics. I’ve seen countless debates on Michael Jordan vs LeBron James vs Kobe Bryant, how Infinity War should end, and which KPop group is the best. The only peaceful comment section is in Funny Cat Videos in YouTube.

Well, it’s kind of fair and unavoidable because in social medias, we cannot listen how people say the comment. It’s a pure text, and we are reading the comments with bias: if the comments are annoying, we are reading it in a voice of a person we dislike. So, we perceive those comments like they are against humanity and just borderline awful.

And that is when we are talking about topics that are not named “politics”.

In talking politics, everything becomes… Worse. I don’t know why but people seemed so easily angered and over-reactive to the headlines and posts.

Now I know each of every person has a standpoint; a background; a personal view regarding political matters. You do, I do, everyone does. These elements are factors that explains how one pick sides, how one values one thing over another, and also how one becomes angry. I wholeheartedly agree with that.

But I don’t agree on bashing other’s standpoint just because you don’t like how it sounds.

And you can’t force your own standpoint if other’s cannot accept and believe it.

In talking about Indonesian political spectrum, I don’t lean on sides that extremely bashing their opponents’ view. It’s just not fair bashing personal or people’s physique just because you don’t like their view.

At my office, we have a different views on political matters like what currently happened in Indonesia. But we don’t let our personal views judge others. We recognize and fully understand that people have different perspectives. But we won’t let it ruin our personal relationships.

I personally believe what everything Al-Quran said is right, there’s no doubt about it. There’s just no doubt. But that does not make me perfect either or truly holy. I believe I am still far away from being good, let alone great. However, I know the best way to deliver the values I believe is by practicing and say it, not just “say” it. 

Also, I know that, apart from religious values, every human does not like being dictated. I could not emphasize enough a quote from Dale Carnegie: “If you want to be interesting, be interested“. This quote explains further than just being a good listener, but also be a decent human being that listens more than speak, and also be someone who understands other people standpoints and background and how they become themselves now.

So you see, a passive-aggressive Facebook posts insinuating and pointing other people’s flaw won’t do anything right.


Let’s have an assumption game. Shall we?

Don’t think about right or wrong or how silly the following text is, but just thinkTHINK. Think about the what-ifs:

What if actually there are parties outside our country that wants us to be divided? What if actually, their way of doing so are so smooth and invisible that nobody realizes it?

Again, I’m just talking about a what-if scenario. Silly as it is, there is a possibility of it being true. And if it is actually true, shouldn’t we think again of being over-reactive? Shouldn’t we be more cool headed, level-headed, and calm before having a fiery debate over something we could actually agree on?

I don’t know either if it can. But if one person think about this and actually change the way he/she reacts to these political posts, I guess there’s a slim shot.


Sudden Death-cision

“Life doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger” is an apt phrase describing those who just graduated from college or who still snorkeling in a sea of jobs.

I’m the latter.

As of this month, 18th of May to be exact, marks my 1st year of diving down the job sea.

A year ago I was this puny, experienceless, trouble-making little chicken. Cannot figure out what should I do, what’s not to do, what’s this, what’s that.

I couldn’t define what I’d like to do for years to come. My dream of becoming an academician and a diplomat slowly died, hushing itself knowing that it couldn’t be realized for the next 5 years.

So I started fresh. Like the fresh graduate I was.

That wasn’t the first time I reverse the steer, it happened twice. Once when I was in high school, I was in the natural science department, planning to be some sort of Tony Stark when I grow up. But life gave me a surprise! Boo-yah! No you’re not going to.

I then took International Relations as my major. Again, starting fresh. But I survived for 4 years, even excel at it.

Now, the history repeated itself. I’m now entering domain of business, leaving all memories of International Relations behind. I got accepted to work at a newly founded consultant company, which I am grateful for. Inside the company are a bunch of highly experienced person with me being the youngest and the most inexperienced. But remember what they say: “When you’re the smartest in the room, you’re in the wrong room“. Turns out I’m on the right one.

But things work unlike what I perceived, maybe I was in the zone of comfort, being delusional about getting out of comfort zone while subconsciously sleeping on it. It’s crazy, all these real-life thing becomes really real. Every decision I make decides which ladder or stone I will step on. One small mistake could cost me a life.

Small things are now affect the way I live significantly. At the moment, I’m crazy about playing a game called Monster Hunter. 4 hours spent playing on it, at the very least amount. On Saturdays and Sundays, I could reap a whopping hours just to focus myself killing a fictional spearheaded wyverns with face looked like that of a hobo. But then a piece of me would yell at my inner self for letting myself wasting a lot of time.

I kinda hate the position I’m in, though I’m grateful for it.

This writing was intended for a rant with title, but yeah.


Focus (and its consequences)

So far I have been labeling myself as a “Jack in All Trades”. If you wonder what does it mean, it means that in doing something, I only reached as far as a “Jack” in poker. You know, there are Jack, Queen, and King. If that order were a progress bar, I’d still in elementary level.

All of my life up until graduated from college, I rarely master anything. Multi-function and have a broad knowledge of everything is cool, in my perspective. That actually isn’t bad. It’s just, the consequence is I don’t master something.

Rap, guitar, baseball, basketball, writing, singing, coding, cooking, songwriting, video and song editing, tinkering with laptop, taekwondo, karate, skateboarding, and studying a lot of things are things I interchangeably love to do. They seem like a season which come and leave at a designated time. Also works like a cycle.

Those aforementioned are things I fell in love into. Some personality tests describe me as an ENFP, which description fits me really well. ENFPs are easily fall in love with things and activities that are “cool” in their world. So, they may jump on the bandwagon and the hype train easily.

It was all fun and games until I graduated and to the point where I thought this should end. Because I am trying to build a career, not a freaking Sims character.

Couple weeks ago I switched myself to Thinking Statue mode, where I sit down thinking about my life choices. Quite hard, I must say. It’s because at that time I have a lot of thoughts running in my mind.

I was a graduate from International Relations major. I fell in love with it. At first I was thinking that I should stick to a career path that is in line with my major. You know, I intended to become a diplomat or researcher or at least, working in international organizations.

The thought stuck with me for over 5 months, since I started working for the first time in a place where my major played a minor part: business. Never once in my thought that I would work in a company. All these time I thought I’d end up working in a government institution instead.

Then last week, I wrote things that I’d like to focus on for the rest of my life.

Writing it was a piece of cake, committing to it is going to be hard. Once I wrote that, for days, what crossed my mind was a thought that my commitment would only be a one-hit wonder, afterwards, I’m going back to nature.

But this is the fun and hardest part: keeping the commitment.

If I want to change, then the thought that I can’t keep a commitment should be included in must-change folder. Once I stop keeping the commitment and let everything spill, I’m done for.

Writing is on the list. I’d like to write a lot. Plus finish it.

Up to this point, my writings have been a roller-coaster. Several times it hits my  expectation, another time it’s not. My inner-self is enraged when it sees an incoherent and irrelevant writing, most of the time, it forces me to stop, and I obeyed it. But this time–no matter how shitty my writing will be, no matter how many writer’s block I’ll face, I’m not going to stop writing.

I want to be as focused as possible. I want to be an expert of something.

Maybe back then I was too insecure. Insecure of not going to be complimented, or seen as a minor in several occasions. But if I still go to the path I used to walk on, I’d be “dead”.

But some parts of my heart still don’t want to let go. They feel okay if I intended to learn a lot of things. It doesn’t want to leave some activities I learned back then.

One of them is International Relations. I fell in love with it for 3.5 years. I fell in love with it.

But lately I feel–as focusing on it will make me stay in government institution–the need of staying home frequently. Not because I have a misanthropy, more like… I need a time where I can do things I wanted to, like writing.

It also has a connection with the future. As written in Epiphany, I realized that too much working is also not good. I mean, later on I’d have to educate children and live a life, too. I don’t want to spend half of my live in an office where I have to live other’s dream. Sounds pretty edgy and idealistic, huh? But that’s what lingers in my mind.

So… From that thought, I kinda have a strong resolve to let go of what once a dream. Because I want to end up spending a lot of free time creating things I’d like to and spend most of my time with my beloved ones.

But of course, every choice has something to sacrifice, and a risk, right?

Maybe… I have to start dealing with that. Leaving beloved things is never easy.

Solitary Moment and Classical Music

Thunder roars again for the third day at the same time, 3pm.

Its light penetrate through my office window; almost like someone took my picture with a flash.

Heavy drizzle smashed the window, created a sizzling sound that someone might guess that it was a sound of someone grilling a steak.

Sound of klaxon blaring, red lights can be seen swarming behind the curtain of rain.

All of those sequence of events happen simultaneously as I write this post.

Funny how there is a subtle chaos going right outside my place, with only a thin window separates me from the chaos. But here I am, writing this post accompanied by Liszt’s Annees de Pelerinage: Premiere Annee. Alone in the room, intending to take a break for a while.

I hate to be a fake pretentious person; but the piece from Liszt and other composer soothes me for the last 3 weeks. Ever since I read Murakami, from Norwegian Wood down to Pinball, 1973, a love or appreciation towards classical music grew in me, subconsciously. I’ve been listening few pieces of Tchaikovsky, Beethoven, and Liszt, which I play whenever I’m in the office. But strangely it helps me to find a different view of anything, it helps me to write, and focus on my work.

Almost 80% of my posts are written while listening to classical music, and when I’m alone. I can let my mind fly and explore things that I haven’t even think before. It also strangely enables my mind to roll out words easier.

I’d really love to have a solitary moment, again. Along with classical music or any instrumental music to amplify my brain.