Sudden Death-cision

“Life doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger” is an apt phrase describing those who just graduated from college or who still snorkeling in a sea of jobs.

I’m the latter.

As of this month, 18th of May to be exact, marks my 1st year of diving down the job sea.

A year ago I was this puny, experienceless, trouble-making little chicken. Cannot figure out what should I do, what’s not to do, what’s this, what’s that.

I couldn’t define what I’d like to do for years to come. My dream of becoming an academician and a diplomat slowly died, hushing itself knowing that it couldn’t be realized for the next 5 years.

So I started fresh. Like the fresh graduate I was.

That wasn’t the first time I reverse the steer, it happened twice. Once when I was in high school, I was in the natural science department, planning to be some sort of Tony Stark when I grow up. But life gave me a surprise! Boo-yah! No you’re not going to.

I then took International Relations as my major. Again, starting fresh. But I survived for 4 years, even excel at it.

Now, the history repeated itself. I’m now entering domain of business, leaving all memories of International Relations behind. I got accepted to work at a newly founded consultant company, which I am grateful for. Inside the company are a bunch of highly experienced person with me being the youngest and the most inexperienced. But remember what they say: “When you’re the smartest in the room, you’re in the wrong room“. Turns out I’m on the right one.

But things work unlike what I perceived, maybe I was in the zone of comfort, being delusional about getting out of comfort zone while subconsciously sleeping on it. It’s crazy, all these real-life thing becomes really real. Every decision I make decides which ladder or stone I will step on. One small mistake could cost me a life.

Small things are now affect the way I live significantly. At the moment, I’m crazy about playing a game called Monster Hunter. 4 hours spent playing on it, at the very least amount. On Saturdays and Sundays, I could reap a whopping hours just to focus myself killing a fictional spearheaded wyverns with face looked like that of a hobo. But then a piece of me would yell at my inner self for letting myself wasting a lot of time.

I kinda hate the position I’m in, though I’m grateful for it.

This writing was intended for a rant with title, but yeah.

 

Focus (and its consequences)

So far I have been labeling myself as a “Jack in All Trades”. If you wonder what does it mean, it means that in doing something, I only reached as far as a “Jack” in poker. You know, there are Jack, Queen, and King. If that order were a progress bar, I’d still in elementary level.

All of my life up until graduated from college, I rarely master anything. Multi-function and have a broad knowledge of everything is cool, in my perspective. That actually isn’t bad. It’s just, the consequence is I don’t master something.

Rap, guitar, baseball, basketball, writing, singing, coding, cooking, songwriting, video and song editing, tinkering with laptop, taekwondo, karate, skateboarding, and studying a lot of things are things I interchangeably love to do. They seem like a season which come and leave at a designated time. Also works like a cycle.

Those aforementioned are things I fell in love into. Some personality tests describe me as an ENFP, which description fits me really well. ENFPs are easily fall in love with things and activities that are “cool” in their world. So, they may jump on the bandwagon and the hype train easily.

It was all fun and games until I graduated and to the point where I thought this should end. Because I am trying to build a career, not a freaking Sims character.

Couple weeks ago I switched myself to Thinking Statue mode, where I sit down thinking about my life choices. Quite hard, I must say. It’s because at that time I have a lot of thoughts running in my mind.

I was a graduate from International Relations major. I fell in love with it. At first I was thinking that I should stick to a career path that is in line with my major. You know, I intended to become a diplomat or researcher or at least, working in international organizations.

The thought stuck with me for over 5 months, since I started working for the first time in a place where my major played a minor part: business. Never once in my thought that I would work in a company. All these time I thought I’d end up working in a government institution instead.

Then last week, I wrote things that I’d like to focus on for the rest of my life.

Writing it was a piece of cake, committing to it is going to be hard. Once I wrote that, for days, what crossed my mind was a thought that my commitment would only be a one-hit wonder, afterwards, I’m going back to nature.

But this is the fun and hardest part: keeping the commitment.

If I want to change, then the thought that I can’t keep a commitment should be included in must-change folder. Once I stop keeping the commitment and let everything spill, I’m done for.

Writing is on the list. I’d like to write a lot. Plus finish it.

Up to this point, my writings have been a roller-coaster. Several times it hits my  expectation, another time it’s not. My inner-self is enraged when it sees an incoherent and irrelevant writing, most of the time, it forces me to stop, and I obeyed it. But this time–no matter how shitty my writing will be, no matter how many writer’s block I’ll face, I’m not going to stop writing.

I want to be as focused as possible. I want to be an expert of something.

Maybe back then I was too insecure. Insecure of not going to be complimented, or seen as a minor in several occasions. But if I still go to the path I used to walk on, I’d be “dead”.

But some parts of my heart still don’t want to let go. They feel okay if I intended to learn a lot of things. It doesn’t want to leave some activities I learned back then.

One of them is International Relations. I fell in love with it for 3.5 years. I fell in love with it.

But lately I feel–as focusing on it will make me stay in government institution–the need of staying home frequently. Not because I have a misanthropy, more like… I need a time where I can do things I wanted to, like writing.

It also has a connection with the future. As written in Epiphany, I realized that too much working is also not good. I mean, later on I’d have to educate children and live a life, too. I don’t want to spend half of my live in an office where I have to live other’s dream. Sounds pretty edgy and idealistic, huh? But that’s what lingers in my mind.

So… From that thought, I kinda have a strong resolve to let go of what once a dream. Because I want to end up spending a lot of free time creating things I’d like to and spend most of my time with my beloved ones.

But of course, every choice has something to sacrifice, and a risk, right?

Maybe… I have to start dealing with that. Leaving beloved things is never easy.

Solitary Moment and Classical Music

Thunder roars again for the third day at the same time, 3pm.

Its light penetrate through my office window; almost like someone took my picture with a flash.

Heavy drizzle smashed the window, created a sizzling sound that someone might guess that it was a sound of someone grilling a steak.

Sound of klaxon blaring, red lights can be seen swarming behind the curtain of rain.

All of those sequence of events happen simultaneously as I write this post.

Funny how there is a subtle chaos going right outside my place, with only a thin window separates me from the chaos. But here I am, writing this post accompanied by Liszt’s Annees de Pelerinage: Premiere Annee. Alone in the room, intending to take a break for a while.

I hate to be a fake pretentious person; but the piece from Liszt and other composer soothes me for the last 3 weeks. Ever since I read Murakami, from Norwegian Wood down to Pinball, 1973, a love or appreciation towards classical music grew in me, subconsciously. I’ve been listening few pieces of Tchaikovsky, Beethoven, and Liszt, which I play whenever I’m in the office. But strangely it helps me to find a different view of anything, it helps me to write, and focus on my work.

Almost 80% of my posts are written while listening to classical music, and when I’m alone. I can let my mind fly and explore things that I haven’t even think before. It also strangely enables my mind to roll out words easier.

I’d really love to have a solitary moment, again. Along with classical music or any instrumental music to amplify my brain.