In dealing with the so-called Quarter Life Crisis

This is “Dealing with self-proclaimed Quarter Life Crisis” episode number XX!

It’s me again with yet another possible rant to the inevitable phase of life!

It’s 1:32am in Indonesia and I’m still having an existential crisis over here, strolling in Reddit and had been writing ONE character in Scrivener for more than an hour. At this hour someone turned on a house music with extremely a-hole bass level, shaking the whole neighborhood walls rhythmically, and it’s still on right now. My conscience has cursed many times due to this.

Just days ago, crises came banging at my wooden door of conscience. Sounded loud, annoying, and disturbing all at the same time. When I opened the door, the crises shouted at the same time as if I am a leader of some organization or a nation, queried by a group of unhappy people, and once I’m out of the door, they would throw their problems at me, asking for immediate response and solution. Only this happened inside of my mind. Which, of course, a relief and a distress at the same time.

There were a lot of questions the crises asked to me: 

“What do you want!?”

When do you want it!?”

When will you start moving!?”

Why are you still here!? Get to move you prick!”

At exactly 23 years and 2 months old, these crises decided to come.


2 years ago I was convinced of what I would be in the future. Life seemed bright then, choices seemed accessible and all I had to do was grind and wait. Hell, I felt like I can move the whole city with myself, what a confidence. Innocent’s confidence.

Now I’m in the middle of the road, trying my best to stay sane. Even when typing these words in a public domain where people could possibly see this.

But I don’t care.

I’ve lost so much. Let this be a landmark for my future self to see that I was in this position. I’m hoping that I would figure it out next year. I really hope so.

Been an excruciating year, 2017 is. Can’t wait to flip the page and type new words as I go.

Ah, this post isn’t even relevant to the title. Felt like Jack Torrance and Paul Sheldon when they hit a writing wall.

This was written fully by my subconscious. He’s ranting. Please bear with him.


Review: Misery by Stephen King

Review: Misery by Stephen King





Gosh… Annie Wilkes.

I was on the brink of finishing IT. Browsing Goodreads and Reddit to find Uncle Stevie’s best books according to everyone’s list. Well, Misery is on the list and dubbed as “one of the King’s best”. So I picked it.

Actually, there was a little conflict inside of me to choose between Misery, Pet Sematary, or The Shining first. Initially I would pick The Stand or 11/22/63, but considering my goal–Goodread’s goal–to read 3 more books (out of 10) until the end of 2017, I’d pick some light reads. So, it was narrowed to Misery and Pet Sematary. And finally, I picked out Misery first.

My take and first impression to Misery was like the others have said: it was grotesque, disturbing, and live up to its genre, psychological horror. However, despite its grotesqueness, I enjoy this book very much. Though, at some point my hands were spaghetti’d.

In comparison, during the middle of reading Misery, I bought one local book with the same grotesqueness. But to compare the execution between King and the local book author will not be a good match. The local book I bought served a dreary, gory, full-of-blood grotesqueness. It was damn straightforward, you have this family who could not eat and decided to eat human flesh anyway, and since the beginning, it was full of sadness.

Misery, however, has an undulating emotion inside. Even before I read the book, I know Annie Wilkes is crazy. But the book wasn’t filled with one emotion, instead, you could find some parts where Annie was lovely, and other parts where she was a psycho. That’s where Uncle Stevie’s great at. Creating characters we would love or hate so much.

So far, this was probably a book that could create a great suspense. Last night before I finished, probably several pages left, the suspense was intense that I subconsciously muttered “God no way” in disbelief.



The premise of the story came from a simple idea: a self-proclaimed number one fan who meet and kidnap her idol. It actually inspired from Uncle Stevie’s experience of fans who rejected his 1984 book– The Eyes of The Dragon, which did not include a horror at all.

Paul Sheldon was a best-selling writer of a Victorian romance novel which features Misery Chastain as the main character. Annie Wilkes was the ‘number one fan’ for the Misery-themed books. One day, Paul was involved in a car crash and rescued by Annie, who then decided to take Paul to her house. Annie, who later know what Paul has done to Misery-themed books and decided to write a whole new novel named Fast Cars, was upset–no, she was furious. She asked forcefully for Paul to write a whole new Misery-themed novel to her own liking.

Paul who was heavily injured and almost immobilized, couldn’t do anything rather than accept the fate that he had to stay in Annie Wilkes’ house who starting to be… strange. There, Paul started to know Annie and her antics.

Example? Forcing Paul to swallow his pills using… rinse-water. A rinse-water with gray color, you know, after you mop the floor and put the mop on a bucket? Yes, that water.


Claustrophobic setting. Throughout the story, the setting was only one: Annie’s house. That’s it. And to make matter’s worse, the protagonist, Paul Sheldon, was powerless. He was heavily injured, his feet couldn’t be moved due to the injury. Paul was also locked in his room, despite at some point he was out of that room, but mainly he was locked. Annie was smart to put on any kinds of lock in her house. To top that, Paul was also depend on a medication that Annie only have. If he’s not taking his medication timely, the pain would seize him. So basically, Paul was powerless against Annie, who, in addition to mentioned above, also took karate class and has a strong hands. The only thing that could stretch Paul’s life was writing Misery.

Fearless villain. There’s a reason why Annie Wilkes secured number 17 on top 100 Heroes and Villains. Subjectively, Annie was fearless. There was a quote from the book (rephrased) “If they found out about you, Paul, I’ll kill them first, then I’ll kill you, then I’ll kill myself”. She seemed to not have any stakes at all. Other than that, the embarrassed wire that should be on her brain seemed to be cut, or loosened. Paul had witnessed her psychotic antics and how she would treat him. But after treating Paul badly, she didn’t seem to feel embarrassed or even feel bad (she felt bad for some occasion though), instead, she smiled it off like nothing ever happened. It’s like you were facing someone, maybe your roommate, in some occasion they would give you chocolate or laugh at your jokes, but maybe at night, they would bring a hammer to smack you off when you upset them, but then next morning they hello’d you like nothing ever happened.

Smart villain. There were times in movies or books where us viewers and readers would root the protagonist in scheming or plotting a good revenge for the villain, a sly way to smack the villain out of their sanity. It was what happened exactly to me, I root for Paul for his meticulous planning to get out from the house and from Annie. In movies like James Bond or any kinds of that, the protagonist would start planning something accompanied by thrilling background music, at the end it would be successful and the villain was fooled. If we’re talking about James Bond, the villain would be intelligent, bulky, fast, and anything.

But Annie’s nowhere match to that description. Honestly, how would you perceive a cunning and smart villain? He/she must be fast like a ninja, biceps decorating the hands, and equipped with powerful tools. Then look at Annie, a hefty, lovely woman. You wouldn’t think she took a karate class or have a strength matching that of Captain America’s. You would think she would bake a great cookie and be a darling to everyone.

But hey, she can smell you coming out of your room and any little details that changed around the house. She know exactly how you lie and can smell the footsteps you just left subconsciously in her house.


The Misery Chastain Story. I found no use of the Misery story other than a support of the main plot. Sure, it helps the plot to advance, also subconsciously show the readers how Uncle Stevie crafts his stories. But I kinda hope that it will reveal something in the end that impacts the whole plot, I don’t know, it’s probably a dilettante’s analysis and a wishful thinking. But I don’t really like the Misery Chastain story mainly because it’s setting was in old England, where the grammars of the people aren’t as logical as it is now. It’s a bias, I know, but I had a hard time getting through the Misery story.

Overly imaginative Paul Sheldon (So vivid!). This is probably just the character or King’s signature. But drifting off far to somewhere I couldn’t reach and had to re-read several times to understand kind of irking. The Can You Paulie? thoughts somehow felt off to me.



  1. First and foremost, hobbling scene. The scene was just… gruesomely perfect. Never came to my mind that Annie would do such thing, but she did it anyway and just shrug it off afterwards. In the movie, the ‘hobbling’ was Annie smashing Paul’s ankle with a sledgehammer. In the book, Annie was chopping Paul’s foot with AN AXE. To make matters worse, after being chopped, Annie lit up a blowtorch and torched Paul’s skin. (My hands were weak typing this)
  2. Lawnboy scene. Schnap. This was second scariest and most grotesque. There was a young police who came to Annie’s house, intended to find Paul Sheldon as his whereabouts had been a news. Knowing that, Paul threw an ashtray to catch the young police (later known as Duane Kushner). Before Kushner help Paul, he was stabbed from behind using a cross by Annie. Didn’t stop there, Annie turned on a lawn mower, and drove it to Kushner’s hand and head. Blood spurted like a jet. And Kushner’s face was… well, ripped.
  3. Thumbectomy. Annie, again, chopped a part of Paul’s body. It was his thumb. As if it’s not done scaring, Annie bought a happy birthday cake…. with Paul’s thumb in the middle as the candle.
  4. That false alarm when Paul told us that after Annie’s death, he suddenly found Annie jumping from behind of his apartment sofa, swinging axe and finally chopped Paul’s head. It gave me shiver and a swearing word after knowing it was just in Paul’s imagination.


For horror and gory readers and enjoyer (what a bad portmanteau lol), this should be on your list and you will enjoy this book. And this could be enjoyable to the general public though, but I had found some people who can’t stand the book mainly because it was that gruesome. But bottomline, this is a book I’d first recommend to any of those who would ask me “what horror book should I read?”


And a final parting gift from Annie Wilkes…



As an adult who just received his first manual steering wheel, I have done a less good job in steering my life so far, based on my view.

My graduation, which was last year, was the borderline between young adult and true adult. Ever since I graduated and landed on my first job, that’s the point I’m turning into fully functioning adult.

Like what the memes on 9Gag said, being an adult is no easy feat. Flock of thoughts about paying the bills, making the right decision, and stay sane are coming. In one day, your thoughts are going to revolve on how can you keep the balance. Not only balance in your account, balance sheets of the company you’re working on, but the balance where you stand. By the way, being an adult means you’re not standing on a platform, the most apt analogy is you’re standing on a thread.

To this day, it is accurate on me. I remember how last year, pre-graduation, the hardest task was to finish my thesis in a course of 5-day. It was hard, of course, I had to press my sleeping hours to 5am and type those nonsensical words and think how to make it sound make sense. But that was it.

Now, I stand before choices. And these choices has been nothing short of hard. Because I realize what is at stake, what are the consequences behind those choices.

The choices I’m laying on the table have their own goods and bads–of course, it’s only natural. But I was forced by my inner self to see from a different filter: whether or not I will enjoy the choice I’m taking.

By default, there are sets of belief in this world, especially in this country, Indonesia, that sets the unwritten rule of society. Most of us believe that education is not only about scores and ranks; but the parents and environment still believe getting perfect scores are the sign your kids are genius. They still believe that getting into first tier schools or universities decides the success (although it has contribution to success). That’s the unwritten rule of our society. And if that does not feel enough, most of us believe that being kind to each other is the way to preserve peace; but writing hateful comments and ‘nyinyir’ comments in whatever social media platform seems okay anyway. Success is not defined by what job you’re doing; but if your house is small, or you don’t have any vehicles to escort you, prepared to be the talk of the town, courtesy of the regional division of gossip moms.

That’s the unwritten rule of our society.

And those unwritten rule creates an invisible but seen barrier. The rules dictates what should you become in the future. I have heard a lot of “Don’t be (insert occupation/profession here), it doesn’t pay much” during the 23 year of my life. It left a scar in me. Now it casts fear on me.

I wanted to enjoy what I am doing. Not just a casual enjoy, but took personally of what I am working on, let it be the integral part of my life, and most importantly, heartfelt excitement and pleasure.

But the fear of those unwritten rule got the best of me. I fear of not walking the same path with the others. Fear of not being successful because the path I’m taking is essentially different with others. I’m thinking that that path is the only way to go.

Sure you can throw me motivational words about making your own path, be the leader of your own path, and anything inspirational to get me going.

But do you do it, though? That’s the question.

It takes heavy consideration just to think about it, my version. What would I tell my family and kids later if I didn’t take the path their parents’ friend took? that’s what I thought. You know, working and climbing the career ladders would give you experience people outside it don’t. You experienced dealing with people, experienced the undulating working motivation, the pain of failing the project, and other experiences people who didn’t work don’t experience.

If I go through the choice of mine, would I have the same experience and endurance? I don’t think so. And that’s what incite fear inside me.

The choices that’s on my table are different from each other.

The first choice is of course, walking the same path with the others. I have to beat every of the competitor fair and square, in an even match. But the risk of failing is less than the other two, fairly safe.

The second and third choice differs from the first. Actually both choices are different, too. But essentially both offers the same feature: huge risk, but huge reward.

For now, I’m leaning to the third. It’s the choice where I could be myself the most, where I love what I am doing. But starting with it means starting from zero.

Pragmatist would argue “catch the cash first, then the passion” or some sort, that has been taken into consideration to my mind. But then in the end it’s about fear. Fear of failing.

On top of everything, I would try to enjoy these hard choices and hardships I am facing. This will be just another ‘yesterday’ for tomorrow. Though the fear resides still and I’m trying my best to abandon and leave it behind.

ENFP’s must read

I found this in a Reddit thread in subreddit r/ENFP at 3am. Made by u/Blankpagez and shout out to him/her if he/she ever see this post. That stuff is absolute gold and a panacea to ENFPs who share the same concern over their uncertain and confused self. Knowing that Reddit is inaccessible through conventional Indonesian internet, and obliges VPN, so I’ll copy it directly from the thread, enjoy! (Credits to u/Blankpagez and his/her thread link here)

It’s quite a long read but I assure you, it’s beautiful and worth reading!

Post title: Hey, Here’s my ENFP guide that I wrote for myself (of course at 3 a.m.)

Grow up. Seriously grow up. And faster, and better, and stronger, than anyone tells you you can. Seriously people have such a way of saying “This is exactly the way things go. Don’t do this, and do that.” Screw that. People don’t know anything. Or rather they know just about as much as you do, which is little-to-nothing about most things. And the sooner you give up your faith on people and start believing in a higher something. Higher than all the rest of this mundane crap we call humanity, the better off you will be.

Now I know you. You are walking contradictions and you are okay with this. Be okay with it. Know that it’s not something you could change even if you wanted to. And you don’t really want to. It’ll only get better when you realize that it’s okay to have cognitive dissonance in yourself. Yes you can believe in Evolution and a God or Gods. Yes you can have a love and a hate for the same person. Yes you can think that you are the greatest, and that everyone else is the greatest as well. These are not contractions. And if they are, embrace them. Because they are your truths. And nothing anyone will say can change the fact that you are perfectly capable of living out all these contradictions and paradoxes, in the healthiest life you could possibly have.

Now, while I say screw people, and screw systems, I also encourage you to find the place you are welcome to be yourself. You really don’t have time in this life to be with the people that won’t let you be you. You are so self aware, and aware of other’s. You have this interpersonal genius inside of you, that largely goes unappreciated by most. Screw the most, find the few. And trust me, it’s hard. It’s hard to find the few people who love you for being deep one second and then completely silly goofy the next, and then go straight back down into seriousness, just to pop back out of it, because you found a great connection between what was said and a joke you heard once.

Seriously I know this may be overused and the thing is I know it’s bad advice for others, but it’s great advice for you. Be yourself. Don’t be afraid to show who you really are. I know you hate conflict and you are the most flexible person that could possibly be. But here’s the truth. The actual Truth. Your strength doesn’t lie in just being flexible. It lies in your ability to adapt. Which means being flexible at times. Other times, however, you will find that being hard and rigid and not giving up your views will serve you best. Seriously people will like you more if they know what you will and will not stand for. And trust me, you can tolerate and love a whole slew of bad behaviors from others because you can see yourself also doing that if you had the motivation inside of you to do so. But remember if you are upset at someone it’s not just because you are immature and need to get over it. It’s because they went against one of your values. Find out what value they offended, and then guess what. You know what you stand for! You can do that with anything. Every time someone does or says or thinks something that you find wrong or hurtful. You can figure out what exactly the value is they offended. You can find the love for the other person easier if you know that it’s just a value of yours they hurt.

Remember, for you, you can see the motivation to do anything. You understand people possibly way better than they will ever understand you. And that’s okay. You don’t really need to be fully understood by anyone except your closest people. And sometimes in life you will find you are alone. Like truly alone. Like no one understands you. And guess what. I do. I understand that. I get you. And that’s the value you can give to others.

Really if you are feeling down and misunderstood. Start talking, you will probably be able to get out enough words before the other person starts talking that you will at least feel heard in a way. And then you get to listen to others story and feel that closeness and that connection that you crave so deeply.

Remember it’s whatever side of you you feed. It’s the dark side or the light side. The thing is you will many times of your life feel like you have just been sitting in grey for a very long time. You won’t really know if the behavior you have is good or bad. And so you will look to others for validation. Which is fine, you are an extravert and so you do well with feedback from others. If a person sees bad or ill-intent in you you will be crushed, if they see good or that your intent was good you will be elated.

Just realize if people are being overly critical of you to the point that you aren’t really receiving anything from them other than negativity. There’s definitely something wrong with the other’s perspective not with what you are doing. And they aren’t on your team. Gather around yourself people who are on your team. You really don’t have time for anything but those people. I know you love and care for everyone, but everyone will not love and care for you. And the sooner you can realize this, accept this, and be fine with it, the faster in life you will progress. I know you are super interested in personal development. The most influential book you will possibly read is “How to Make Friends and Influence People.” Read it and re-read it because it’s just that good. You will be able to get outside of yourself and really add value to the lives of others.

Realize that the only way to get paid is by adding value to the lives of others. Now you may be secure and coddled at times. And these are good times because you won’t have much to worry about. Then adulting and difficult decisions will take place and you will want to escape. And that’s fine. You can really do so. There is harm though in avoiding your problems too much though, and you will find that the faster and more willing you are to face your problems the better more fulfilling your life will be. Seriously. I know it feels like you get overwhelmed so easily, but that’s just because the muscle isn’t built up there. Trust me push through overwhelm, and you will find purpose. It’s truly fantastic.

Realize that you can feel whatever feeling you want to in whatever circumstance you are in. I’m serious about this. You just have to change your thinking. And don’t do it in the super positive “this statement is something I could never believe but it’s positive” way. Do it in the “I’m a realist but I’m also okay with myself.” You look for the positive side of any situation, person, or thing. Because that is who you are.

Realize that the way your mind makes connections between seemingly unrelated things, is just part of the genius you were born with. Others will not understand or appreciate these things about you. Screw them.

Seriously one of the biggest searches you will find in your life will be to be appreciated by others. The fastest way to do this is to find others who will appreciate you. This could be siblings, this could be parents, this could be a friend. But you will find them. And hold onto them. Realize that while out of sight out of mind is a story you tell yourself. Realize you don’t really forget those that have made the biggest impact on your life, and trust me they will love a message or visit from you just to tell them how much you appreciate them.

Don’t operate from fear, operate from faith. And have a good person you look up to and respect define faith for you. Because it is simple. But oftentimes what seems the simplest things initially, are the most complicated to fully understand.

Find a comfortable bed. One big struggle you will find is your struggle with sleep. Your mind loves going on and on and could do so until you die, And this death will be quite soon if you treat your mind and body badly. Remember the mind is attached to the body. So find a great heavy blanket, a soft comfortable mattress, and a soft fluffy pillow. Create that space that is yours and you are king of it.

Realize that just with anything too much of something is too much. And hey you are the definition of finding too much. Your button pushing will not be appreciated by some.

You will develop masks to hide how much you feel, in fact you may think of yourself and more logically based than emotionally based. Realize that you are both an emotional creature and a logical one, But that your strength will be in really tapping into your emotional side.

Find someone who will listen to you. Find someone to listen to. These are your greatest strengths, your ability to listen and your ability to speak. You may not find many who are willing to listen to you as long as you want to speak. That is what writing is for. So write a lot. And don’t hate it, and don’t care what English teachers say. If you don’t care any of the topics ask for different topics. Hating it will just set you back a few years and you will write like a madman when you discover it again years down the road.

Realize that your strength lies in idea generation and while you can implement, implementation is not your strength. So find someone who is a good implementer and show them due appreciation for who they are for you.

Realize you will spend a great deal of time explaining yourself to others. And know that you won’t always have the words to describe what you feel, think, or even why you did or said the things you did. Know that the answers will come eventually. And find people who will be okay with you just saying “I don’t know why”

Learn to trust your gut. Now this is a topic that many will discourage you from thinking about. And that’s because they’ve done things off their gut and gotten hurt. And they’ve learned to not trust their gut. And that’s okay for them. But you have a great gut. You will be wrong at times. You will fall and hurt yourself because your gut said “Hey try this” And you did and it hurt. Still learn to listen to it, with little things. Like eating better, or exercising, when it tells you to. And you will learn that by listening to it a little at a time. You will build up the confidence in it to make bigger and bigger decisions. These are going to be your most important decisions. And trust me you will want to go with what your gut tells you. You have an amazing ability to understand situations faster than most other people.

You may go through life not thinking you are creative. While nothing could be further from the truth. You just haven’t had the direction in your life to focus your creativity. So you will likely dabble or have dabbled in many creative endeavors. From singing, to drawing, to musical instruments, to acting. The thing is you will find that the mentors you had there were not teaching you in the style you learned best in. So all these will likely fade, while you just live with them in your memory. Don’t leave them there. You really can motivate yourself. You just have decide what you want to do, awhile in advance and make that commitment to yourself. Give yourself a why behind it.

Remember you are a why person. You aren’t content in just doing things for the sake of that’s what’s always been done. Traditions are important. But you have to find the traditions that work for you. Get rid of the rest. People have all the traditions in the world, and 90% of them aren’t for you. Find your own, create your own. Build traditions with your loved ones. Realize that no tradition is too sacred.

Find the why behind everything you do. That is your search and everyone’s search. Now others will find simple answers to the why and be content there. You will not be this way. You will need a deeper why than most. Don’t stop until you find it. Because this will be your driving force behind all you do. In fact you will be so demotivated when you ask, “why?” and their is not a sufficient answer. Your why is so big. Realize that you won’t find it to be the same with the majority of people. Realize that that is okay. In fact, you may feel jealous at times towards people who live life just because it’s there to be lived. Not so with you. Realize that neither a big or small why is better or worse. You need both kinds of people for the world to function properly. Whatever function properly means.

Keep in mind, your ability to see things from pretty much any viewpoint means that it will be hard for you to make decisions. Realize that at the very least it will take a while for you to reach a decision and that if you are rushed into a decision you may not make the best decision. Because your decisions have to resonate with your core beliefs. And that takes a long time to process. So be patient with yourself.

Really, be most patient with yourself. You are the only one who has to deal with you constantly so be sure to make a friend of yourself. Be kind, and considerate. You will find if you do so with yourself, it’s 100 times easier to do this with others.

Realize that, while you are an extravert, you need quite a bit of alone time to be healthy. You can operate most of the time quite well with groups of people, but just know that you really would rather be having a one-on-one conversation with a single individual. You will find yourself having those deep personal conversations even in group settings. Your feelings generally only get processed when you have time to reflect upon them, which generally happens outside of the company of others. Granted, you can work through feelings interacting with people, but that generally isn’t 100 percent honest because you still have that need to put on a show. You can’t be radically honest with people as much as you can with yourself. (At least it’s way more difficult)

Realize that you are intuitive which means recognizing patterns is where you shine. You can take a small sampling of something and extrapolate that quite accurately to get the picture of the whole. Never let yourself go too long without exercising this part of you or you will find yourself the most unhappy.

Realize you make decisions based off of how you feel about something. So what does this exclude? Or rather what other decision making processes do you at times use to supplement your decisions but ultimately don’t fully trust. The feelings of others, the accuracy of something, and the effectiveness of something. They are nicknamed Harmony, Accuracy, And Effectiveness. The one you use is nicknamed Authenticity.

Realize that your perceptiveness is both a strength and a curse. Realize that it will constantly be looking for the next best thing, and that it can keep you from settling. Realize it has it’s uses but also realize you need to make decisions. So make the decisions. Convince yourself, that while landing on a certain decision that is perhaps not the “best” decision, it is better than just never making any decision. Here’s another way you can think of it. You would much rather be the bird that lands on a telephone wire, (far away from a nest) than to be the bird constantly looking for the best nest to make home and never land. Which one will find rest? The one that made it’s decision and landed.

Make important decisions way in advance. You will be able to find guides on what your next decisions should be. Through books. Read more books. What someone else feels is good enough to be published, probably has some amount of truth to their writing. So read, listen, and understand. You have the ability to filter truth out of rubble. Use it while on the pursuit of knowledge.

Anyway hope this will help someone. Maybe you, maybe not. Just know I spoke from my heart.


We all float up here, too

Here I go again with the “I’m-so-lost” post.

But yes indeed, I’m lost.

I am at the point where I don’t feel any excitement. What excites me currently is reading and writing, plus some good variety shows.

While everyone out there is digging diamonds and changing the world.

Funny because about 2 months ago, I was in their shoes. Big vision, prepared mentality to face any kinds of failure, plans spread here and there. Every hour was like a countdown, every minutes matter the most to me. Allocating how many hours should be spent on certain activity, what should be avoided, and stuff. It was me 2 months ago.

Now I just spend my day thinking about how to get through the day. Maybe skip some hour reading, thinking about what story should I write tonight, should I buy Ultra Milk or Milo?

I wonder if this is really a quasi-quarter-life-crisis or just me having yet another change of heart. If it’s the former, well, I just have to deal with it, don’t I? But if it’s the latter, I wonder why.

I always curious on why many people could be so focused in getting what they want, focused on what they want to do. There’s no change of heart or being attracted on other things. Many have told me that I should be focused on few things that I want to develop, don’t be a greedy prick or jack of all trades. Well, easier said than done.

Now I’m floating. That’s the most apt description I could find.

In the middle of the space, no ground visible. Swam through the air only to know that I’m not moving and I’m wasting my energy for nothing. While others have built a gravity machine to make them gravitate towards the ground, or an aircraft.

The change of heart, the tendency of being a jack of all trade, the sudden loss of excitement are factors that made me hate myself. To the point I think that I am somewhat depressed.

I don’t know.


Jack of all trades

What goes up, must come down.

That’s the natural law. Applies universally, like gravity.

Not only on excitement, but to every aspect of your life, be it about feeling, income, stock market, to health. You have your ups in feeling: the first time having a relationship with someone new, be it a lover or just a new friend who shares the same concern or hobby with you. Ups in income: new jobs, just got promoted, or bonuses. Stock market: “Hey! There’s a new McDonald’s burger and it tastes like heaven!”. And more. But downs are inevitable, too. Having a conflict with your partner, you just got demoted, the stocks are plummeting, and more scenarios like that.

Never once occurred in everyone’s life a stable, upward life.

I am as mortal as everyone else. There are a lot of ups and downs to my life, in this specific writing, my excitement.

In the previous post I ranted about how I wanted to become 12+ different occupations almost in every year.

Years ago, I saw that as a good sign, you know, being a jack in all trades (master of none). Was proud of being able to rap while fixing the computer and writing stories and playing a guitar.

But then work life gave me a nice, hard slap.

I should choose few of those hobbies and focus on it rather than being a swiss-army knife.

It’s quite hard for me because I easily attracted to exciting things. If I don’t stop that, I could’ve end up being nothing.

I really should stop.


Keeping my sanity on its place

It’s funny, you think anything
is possible when you’re a kid
When you feel how hard it is to get through a day
Keep feeling like the
“Control” beat, keep downloading it
Every single day is a repetition of ctrl+c, ctrl+v 

I have a long way to go but
why am I running in place?
I scream out of frustration
but the empty air echoes
I hope tomorrow will
be different from today
I’m just wishing

I wanted to become happy and strong
but why am I getting weaker?
Where am I going? I’m going here and
there but I always come back here
Yeah, I’ll probably flow somewhere,
is there an end to this maze?”

BTS – Tomorrow

I have a dream.

I want to left a dent in the universe, have my name written in gold marker.

It is what I always say to myself. As if reenacting the scenes of a movie where the protagonist would achieve what he/she wanted at the end of the movie. Scenes of the successful, wealthy, happy life would be shown as the ending.

If only our life as easy as 1 2 3. As a movie.

We have our own perceived ideal self. A person we would like to become. Some of you might want to be a businessman, an actor, an athlete, working on your passion, or anything that you want. Some of you, I believe, might already in the middle of making your dreams come true.

I, too, have a perceived ideal self. However, along the time goes, it changes. At 11, I wanted to be a detective, people laughed at that, labeling me as “too much comic”. At 15-16, when finance was a big deal for our family, I told my mom that I wanted to be a professional soccer player, not because I love the soccer, but the paycheck. I remember strongly that it was to lighten my mom’s burden. At 18, I wanted to be an engineer, creating cars and company that in the future would be useful for humanity, but then I failed the university test. At 19, a year after failure in that test, I wanted to be a diplomat. But that lasted only for 2 years, and then I wanted to be an academician… only last a semester. After I graduated, I wanted to be a cybersecurity specialist, but the dream was vanished after I entered a private business, wanted to be an HR professional instead, and in the middle of it, I wanted to be a businessman, an entrepreneur. But now, I also want to be a writer.

Yes indeed, this is the age where most of people could not figure it out. However, some people of my age have achieved what they dreamed. Disrupt businesses, broke through an international barrier and proved everyone was wrong about them all the time, met their idol and work with them, even invited by the president for a special meeting.

While I am still here typing some nonsense that people wouldn’t really care of. Unleashing my distress over myself.

I was in the edge of depression. Yes, that could be exaggerating. People who know me might look at me as a cheerful, crazy person. But this writing is a proof that I had a depression fragments inside of me.

The previous post I wrote was a form of it. I had a lot on my shoulder. Juggling between life, between environments, between atmospheres. Bridging communications.

Before writing this post, I took a lot of time to consider writing about this. Mainly because this was private. But then, looking inwardly at myself, I had to admit that I am complex.

I hold a high standard for myself. I am the first child. I have a high ideal self.

My thoughts… They are tangled. Tangled.

I get frustrated over myself. I cannot accept myself. I compare myself to others, especially those on my age.

I get frustrated for not writing systemically, blaming my past self for not building a good habit of writing systematically, for not joining the right club or activity that would have helped me in this.

I get frustrated for my imperfect English. I am limited in creating tenses, sentences, a good story plot that’s not cliche. Frustrated for speaking badly. Frustrated over my past self for not studying grammar well enough.

I get frustrated over my overly polite self. For being awkward at meeting new people with new culture, for being hard at keeping contact with people, for being unable to build an intriguing conversation with people.

I get frustrated over myself. Not that I don’t be grateful for what I have. I know comparison is a thief to joy. But my whole self, in my perception, is a mess. It’s like a demolished building with debris scattered to unknown places, and rebuild it with incomplete pieces.

For not being a consistent performer. For being easily distracted. For being… Incomplete.

I get frustrated over myself whose bad at making decision, slow at responding, not focusing to one activity that I like and hopping from one to other hobbies.

In my head, I am totally frustrated, unable to accept myself.

Perfectionist might be a proper term for that. Who knows. I feel like exploding.

At 23 years old, I feel lost.

Lost. Totally lost.

I know what I want, but it seems far away and my current self couldn’t reach it. Even reaching the shadows.

Am I a late bloomer? I always ask myself. If yes, then at what age would I be back on track? Or will I never?

I have swallowed every possible motivation quotes, every possible Quora answers for me. But I seem to be in a different dimension.

I am dying to feel like I am on my track, actually advancing to my ideal self.

But it feels like I am a scattered pieces of puzzle, trying to gather and arrange myself as one. But it seems impossible.

I don’t seem to be able to be happy when I am alone. All negativity would come to my head and fill myself with it.

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

This writing is a rant, maybe a healing, maybe a piece of art to some, but a trash to mine. I intended to make it as poetic as possible, but that’s not my forte.