The trials (of being a self-proclaimed rational and an utopianist)

“Ugh, and they believe to celebrity barging in to someone’s instagram live and say hi? People really believe that?”

“You call yourself a mother? When what you do is lashing out your anger to your child as if they are a punching bag?”

Those thoughts are always there with me. When people say their inner critics mostly put anything you make under scrutiny and most of the time, bad-mouthing your creation, my inner critics are doing a multitasking; one time ripping off everything I make, the other time whipping what others do.

This feature was not given, though. More like acquired. Like a skill your RPG game character get when they level up. I remember it started to pop up when I read more books and articles than I usually did.

It all because of philosophy and other non-fiction, self-help-ish books. My mind created a ‘perfect’ mental image of how things should work and should be. The mental image is also reinforced by years of knowing the ulterior motives behind good deeds, which makes me question almost everything, and being a mega-skepticist.

For example, when Obama came to Indonesia in 2010, he said “Nasi goreng!, Bakso!, Sate!” or all Indonesian cuisine because he had a childhood relation with the country. People would go crazy over a familiar word spoken by him, creating a massive loud scream. I don’t. My mind would steer my thinking to a rational mode and say “come on, Obama is exercising his soft, subtle power by saying something that would make you feel like standing on a common ground with him.”

At some point, I would hold back the thought because sometimes it doesn’t work that way. But when you are already in the habit of thinking that way, reverting back is hard. So it keeps on bouncing back and hard to contain.

I would also point things that should be fixed whenever I feel like it should. There was this mother who would snap to her son whenever he wanted to play or just jumping around. The mother would scream loud and “command” her son to keep his voice low. All of that was done while fixing her eyes solely to the cellphone.

That successfully made my adrenaline level increase. I mean, that’s not how it supposed to be. It’s your friggin son. By giving birth, you committed to keep and nurture your son! Come on!

The other thing that would make me cringe hard is how conventional wisdom plays out in Indonesia. Some of the conventional wisdoms are noble and good to follow, but the others are just…. irrational.

Like how people think students are measured by the scores, low scores mean stupid or brainless. Come on! This is a well-known cause of educational destruction here. Students would rather spend time chopping a tree with a dull ax than sharpening it then chop the tree effortlessly. Worse, the tradition keeps on rolling up until this very second.

I also just heard that my friend went through a breakup because the boyfriend is socially considered inadequate due to lack of will to finish college and not having enough income source. He’s just 22, come on.

My rant could go further than this, but I stop it right here.

Though it is useful as a bullshit-piercing bullet, having this way of thinking is also agonizing at times.

Lost a lot of opportunities because of that. Because I was acting gingerly.

Lost a friend. Because I was once thought that true friendship is when a friend could understand you so well, and I haven’t found one.

It was hard being genuinely interested to what people say, because I knew people doesn’t actually interested in talking to me.

This was the condition where I thought I have two personalities. Like, an alter-ego.

However, starting from this year, I really really want to change. I don’t want to be trapped in my own ego, the thought of me being a special being for thinking like that.

Yes. I have to change.

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