I can remember vividly the time when I put a “BFF” (Best Friend Forever, if you wonder) as a prefix in every of my friend’s contact name.
I seriously want to throw up a bit.
It’s not only because it was a memory when I was still in high school–a phase when most of your embarrassing traits are exposed publicly–but also, the more I grow up, the more I know that ‘best friend’ is not a term you can throw randomly.
You know, in my observation, people are effortlessly use the term because they had their friends stayed the night and do some (self-proclaimed) unusual things (not a sexual innuendo, come on) then they become a best friend. Poof. Just like that.
If I gather my observation from years behind, it’s almost clear that there is an universal and hierarchical pattern, some sort of requirements for bestfriend-candidate who wants to apply to become particular person’s best friend. That pattern includes steps one has to go through in order to be called a best friend–much like a knighthood or promotion.
Guess what, I did that too.
A quite huge number of best friend was on my resume back then. Like I told you in the first paragraph, I even labeled every of them with the word BFF. Yikes. My problems and secrets are known, I can even tell new people easily about that. I’m so open that people tell their secrets to me without hesitation.
For years, I thought that as a reciprocal action, an investment that will be a return for me.
Turns out, I was too naive back then.
As I grow up, my dad taught me that my religion does not hope for that kind of return, if I want to do nice, do it voluntarily without hoping for anything.
I found that to be true, because not everyone will repay your kindness and it will only become a stress if I think about the return. So, I managed to manage the disappointment of not getting reciprocal reaction.
Then years later, I get the same disappointment, again. I mean, this time it came from someone I highly regard and I cherish, someone I thought will be a person that will be my friend throughout years. But, the reality told me otherwise.
Not only that, but also, the pattern became clearer than ever, that sometimes people just want to release their stress, not because they feel they have specific kind of connection to me. People are too disappointing to be hold on to. This post is one of the embodiment of that disappointment. You know when you feel down you need some sort of push to get ahead or at least a friend to rely on? Nah, I don’t find that with the self-proclaimed “best friend” or so.
Who I can rely on currently is only my partner (which also my girlfriend), and Pokemon. Both of them stays the same when the current is strong or weak. She felt the same way, too.
Holding on to the view that my religion taught, I know I cannot stop doing something nice to people without hoping for some return, but I also know that I have to be selective when it comes to put people in my circle.
That disappointment just raise the standard of me calling someone (or thing) a best friend. Mainly because I don’t want to deal with that kind of disappointment. Plus, having to read a lot of Murakami kinda teach me that solitary moments are not that bad, because people sometimes are too disappointing.
So, yeah, this post probably having a kafka-esque color or a sort of loneliness tune. But I wrote this as a form of stress release mechanism with a hope that I won’t think about that later and just continue with life.