It just came to my mind–no, actually it was from quite long ago.

It was when I am on the verge of college life, I remember, that I am going to enter newest phase in my life: working.

Back then when I was in high school, work is something I depict as a suit-and-tie atmosphere, talking about complicated things with your co-worker pertaining your job, and the best part: have your own money.

The picture of working became clearer once I got into college, I mean, work is no longer something suit-and-tie all day, rather than a series of a behind the desk thing when you have to sign all documents, looking for something relevant to your work, and an almost full week of spending your day in the office.

Worry was the least of my priorities back then. I never worry to work anywhere, as long as it is something I love, I’d do it within a minute. So I carried on with life and never even take a quick look to the world of working. My father was the best source of information about work I can get.

After I finished defending my thesis months ago, I started to search for jobs. Sadly, Indonesia doesn’t have many companies or employers who’d like to hire an international relations graduate. I searched for jobs in many websites, but stress was all I can describe. The more I search, the more it became crystal clear that it is hard for an international relations graduate to get a job. Let alone job with international relations background.

So I divert myself from job provider websites that night. I look for jobs from companies which concerns about international affairs and political affairs. To no avail. The job requires at least 2-3 years of experience, for the most junior job.

I stopped myself from searching.

I enjoyed my free time, free from any baggage of finding job.

At that moment I was so… Longing for a work. The dream of making my parents happy, the dream of buying things I want, the dream of saving and having a trip somewhere, floats around my mind like a spinning wheel.

Then days ahead, my lecturer offered me a job, where I currently worked.

I am happy that I have something that keeps me busy. Happy that monthly I get some pay and I can buy something.

But to be honest, I keep on asking one thing: Do I like working?

I told myself that, that could be some epiphany like what Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Steve Jobs had. That eureka! moments that Archimedes had. But no. Rationally, I don’t even know about structures of a company, let alone creating one.

To tell you, my boss is awesome. He’s superkind, caring, and an expert of the field. Not only that, he’s also willing to teach me a lot of things. It’s like, why would I want more?

I have been working for roughly 7 months. But along the way, my little mind keeps on asking me this:

“hey, you sure you want to spend your life in this career path? I mean, working behind the desk, go home at late nights, missing your free time with family and all. Really?”

But at the same time, this thought pops up:

“The world doesn’t work the way you perceive it. So, if you want to change system of “working 9-5”, you should go through it first to change it. You can’t just defy it by creating some delusional concepts in your mind and challenge it. Who are you? A junior that has yet to work over a year.

I don’t know if it’s only me or the entire Y and Z generation feels the same thing about working for long hours. I mean, there’s something called work-life balance now. People appreciates their time at home rather than at work. But simultaneously, I feel that working for long hours is needed, too. Because you’re going to face people from a lot of field and it requires some expertise which can only be achieved by flying for long hours.

But I still cannot figure out what’s best from all those choices. My conflicting thoughts keeps me busy at work, my heart desires a free time, my body tells me they are at low condition. I am at confusion.

Maybe it’s just myself adjusting to a new zone. Maybe it’s an epiphany, but I can’t decide yet.


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